This month I celebrated 5 years with the organization I work for and 2 years at my hospital location. When I first came to the the clinic I fell in love with it. I loved the people I worked with, the management style, the doctors and I still do! It’s a very caring friendly environment. It took a while to find the right place for me. I can’t work in toxicity, hostility, or with changes that make no sense.
A few months ago a co worker became ill and hasn’t been able to return yet. I assumed a few of her administrative duties in the clinic. I enjoy learning new things as well as taking on new responsibilities. So I was up for the extra work. We’re also scheduled to be remodeled. I was asked if i wanted to re-locate to an office right outside the clinic. It made perfect sense.
In the past few weeks I’ve been dreaming a lot. Mostly because I haven’t taken time to process all the changes. My dreams have caused me more than a few nights of interrupted sleep.
One dream caused me to see that while the move to another desk outside the clinic made sense on one level. On another level I really don’t want to be isolated from my co workers. So that gave me something to think about.
Also the last few weeks I’ve had a few encounters with some challenging patients. I have learned how to remain calm, empathize, and stay professional. But one of them got under my skin and I forgot all about the skills I’ve acquired over the past 10 years. It really bothered my that I lost my composure. When I was young I prided myself on being a little bad a**. As I got older I put away childish things and grew up (a little bit) in Christ. I know that none of us are perfect. But I expect myself to be. Mostly because I fear getting in trouble.
Last night my dreams troubled me again. I love to interpret dreams for lots of reasons. Apparently this draem was trying to get my attention in a big way. Without going into the details of the dream, I had to acknowledge that I was deeply ashamed of my behavior. What I thought was a dead trait was still able to rear its ugly head.
So I’ve been thinking. My husband would say “when don’t I”! I have/had a faulty belief system. Somehow I adopted a belief that once God deals with a particular area of your life it’s dead. But now I’m finding that I didn’t leave room for my human nature or flesh as some like to call it.. I do have a God nature but I’m still human. The spirit of God dwells in this human body! Why couldn’t I see that before??? Why could I say to others “it’s ok we’re all human” but not to myself.
I think it’s because I grew up in a home where verbal abuse and physical punishment were the primary way of educating us about our negative behavior. Never mind the fact that my parents were using unbridled anger to keep me in line. As if that was somehow acceptable. Wow! Can you image the crazy core belief system I constructed for myself. There are 2 that come to mind. “Anger equals power” and the other is “try your best to stay out of trouble” How do those 2 core beliefs stand together???
I became a Christian and got married when I was 21. I married a kind gentle man. He taught me by the way he conducted himself that anger is really a sign of weakness and self-control is true strength. It took years and the help of the Holy Spirit to walk in what came naturally for my husband. I’m still jealous over that!
It’s only been in this last year or so, that the other core belief has grown up in my like a weed in my heart that’s ready to be pulled out by the roots. But that’s where I am today. Dealing with a wrong core belief. And I’ so thankful that God hasn’t stopped working one me!
I’m a work of God in progress! and so are you! Never stop learning. Never stop growing! You won’t be sorry. I promise.